Dealbreakers

Thank you Liz Lemon. If it weren’t for Tina Fey spitting out dealbreakers, as Liz Lemon on her ex-hit show “30 Rock,” I never would have known of their beauty. There are the obvious ones like he can’t do drugs, have a criminal record, be lazy, or think he owns you, but then things get personal.

I firmly believe that everyone has silly and quirky dealbreakers when it comes to dating. For example, when I begin to date a man there are several possible dealbreakers. He must like (a lot) Stevie Ray Vaughn and AC/DC, must have the desire to own 1 or 2 cats, and he must appreciate a great bagel (when people don’t like bagels it really freaks me out).

Curious as to what others might consider a dealbreaker, I kindly asked (harassed) some of my friends (both male and female) into telling me theirs. What I got back included everything from needing to eat katsup with steak to wanting to be called daddy (it actually really happened to a friend, ew). Read on to hear the rest of them and know that all further dealbreakers are those of my friends and not me. I do not agree with (nor am I as crazy as) all of my friends. Just wanted to make that clear. Now please enjoy.  

Food/eating related

People Instagram food before they eat it for a reason (#foodporn). Nobody wants to see it all mangled up in your mouth. Close your trap when eating please.

If you can be heard crunching on your cereal, apple, whatever it is from the next room, well, that’s a problem. Quiet down or get out. Pretty simple.   

According to one very fabulous lady I know, she will never speak to you again should you have anything but a friendly rapport with the waiter or waitress. Oh, and if you can’t pour the perfect draft beer pour, well bye bye.

Guys, when you order your drink be very careful. Saying you would like a Malibu Bay Breeze or Cosmo on a date with my friend  will have you going home solo. Men who drink girly drinks happen to repulse her.

Never judge a lady for ordering a burger. If you chose the salad (hello Mr. Personality) don’t hate on her for living on the edge. And no, she will not share her fries with you.

Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Italian, Mexican…all great foods. My friend HaNa just loves them. As her date, you better like them too and pay for her to enjoy them. If you have a picky palette or are simply stingy, she will dismiss you immediately. You are useless to her.

What’s that? You don’t like pancakes? Oh, I see, you don’t like any breakfast foods. There is nothing more to say to you. Now get out of my sight.    

It’s the 4th of July and hot dogs are everywhere (it’s like America’s national entrée). You get your hotdog with Sauerkraut on top. The relationship is now a “bomb bursting in air.” Congratulations, your love of Sauerkraut ruined it.         

Grooming/hygiene/appearance

So it’s your first date. You’re nervous and of course are hoping that she likes you. If you happen to be meeting my friend Sasa lucky for you her demands are few. You better show up in clean shoes, cologne, and have straight white teeth. In this situation Meatloaf was wrong, 2 out of 3 is bad.

Say everything went well at dinner and things have now taken an intimate turn. He takes his shirt off and you die a little inside (not in the good way). His boobs are bigger than yours. There is really nothing to say. You pick up your things and leave.

Getting ready for a big night out and you are ready in under 2 hours (includes hair, nails, make- up). He is going on hour 3 of his beauty routine and now he is blow drying his hair (seriously?). You consider yourself single once again. No man should be more high maintenance than you are.

It’s summer and he has on flip-flops. “Why are you wearing flip-flops?” you ask. “I just went tanning,” he says then proceeds to take a selfie of his greased up orange bod. This is when you laugh in his face and never speak to him again.

He has weird looking toes. As if that’s not bad enough. When you tell him to cover them up he puts on socks followed by sandals. Double dealbreaker. Just like Jay-Z, you are “on to the next.“

His hoodie is from Hollister. RUN!

He’s treating you to dinner (good boy). The entire restaurant goes silent as he opens his Velcro wallet (bad boy).

After having an adult sleepover with your new man, your friends stop by with coffee and bagels (food is a decoy. They want the dirt). One of them uses the bathroom and sees a mountain of statement necklaces, rings, and bracelets she didn’t know you owned. Wait, that jewelry isn’t yours. How had you not realized your guy made Liberace look like a minimalist? You immediately delete his number from your phone.

After having a lovely dinner at a very fine restaurant the date proceeds to a leisurely stroll through the park. Why does the park smell like a mixture of sweat, fish, and trash? Oh god. It’s your date. Hold your breath and back away, quickly.

When you text, his responses are always confusing and grammatically incorrect (a dealbreaker in and of itself). On a date you finally realize why his responses are the way they are. His nails are so long they make Big Ang (if you are confused Goolgle her) jealous. Gag!

His pants are so tight (and he is so skinny) that from the back he looks like your 14-year-old baby sister. So wrong.

He has a beard? Yippppeeeee! It slowly travels down his neck? Noooooooo. Either gift him a razor and shaving cream or just end things, your call.

Misc.

When asked for a dealbreaker, a friend of mine said anyone she dates better know who Judy Garland is. You might want to rethink that one love. Sometimes knowing who she is could be the dealbreaker, if you know what I mean.

It’s Christmas Eve so you ask your date to come to church with your family. Your date whips out a Ouija board and starts chanting in a satanic language. Sorry, but devil worship just isn’t your thing.

You’re at a cocktail party and you and your date are having separate conversations. There is a pause and you hear your date mention they are very very Republican (like sooooo Republican). You quickly leave the party with someone else, someone whose beliefs don’t make you sick with anger.

You don’t love puppies? So what you’re really saying is you have an ice pick for a heart and no soul. Yeah, that so doesn’t work for me.

The only dance move your date knows is fist pumping. Might as well send your date back to the Jersey Shore where he or she can fist pump with the other idiots.

Just believe…in aliens. Aliens alone or aliens and ghosts better be your answer when asked which of the 2 you believe in. NEVER say just ghosts. To some people, apparently, ghosts just aren’t cool enough.

Cat people. I personally do not understand how this could be a dealbreaker but I have chosen to respect my friend’s beliefs.  

You have an itch but don’t you dare say you are itching yourself. Scratching is the appropriate term for how you are handling the situation. To say you are itching yourself will lead to an ending of the relationship.

After relieving yourself shut the damn door! If nobody else is in the bathroom leaving the door open is not necessary and will cause unjust anxiety (I never said my friends were normal. They are not. And that is why they are my friends).

Don’t say y’all. Don’t do it, because you will lose your boyfriend and be single. Just don’t do it, ok? (Mean Girls reference. You better have picked up on it).

You can’t keep up with my sarcasm? I mean, why even try for a relationship…just walk away. And I don’t think we can be friends either. 

Although you may not be a fan of scary films, you will sit there and pretend to like them. You’ll get over it. A nightmare or 2 won’t hurt you.

Liking a sports team aka crying when they lose and talking like you are one with the team is a must. But so help you God if you like a rival sports team.

Must have the ability and desire to sing along to Taylor Swift. If Taylor is singing and you are silent then know “that I’ve got a blank space baby, and I’ll write your name.”

And there you have a collection of real life dealbreakers. Happy dating :)